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11/29/22 "Holstein"
Chapter 1: The Grieving Cattle
Guess what babe? I bet you never wrangled a holstein before. I went to a farm in Northern Wisconsin yesterday and found some beautiful bovines. Babe, the world is a very beautiful place full of beautiful creatures and sometimes I get excited and I want to hide but Jim Martin convinced me to go so i decided to go and I always get so nervous so it wasn't easy but I did it and it's okay.

Chapter 2: Farm Punk
With my new album Holstein I bring some serious farm punk music. I split my jeans and put on the cowboy boots to farm punk your brain in the metaverse. I bet you don't even have the cock to farm punk babe. Farm punk is my new favorite music until the next non-farm punk album comes out and then farm punk is poopy woopy.

Chapter 3: Mestopheles of the Farm
After swimming in a sea of bovines I start to get a little hungry. Hey mom! Bring out the cookies! And then we have a cookie party with all of our friends and pound the ground with inflatable hammers. Now we got what we need after a hard afternoon of cattleplay. Mike Patten works hard, Mike Patten PLAYS hard, Mike Patten knows what u need 2 fill that void in your soul. Time 2 milk.

Chapter 4: Tracklist:
1. Bovine Fantasy (Cover) 2. Good Sowy 3. Beddy-Bye for Buddy-Boy 4. Spoke-bound for Joshish Gosh 5. Undies in Syrup 6. Makoyana Smile 7. Nude in Manure 8. Milky Jay 9. Shaughse 10. Orestes



11/28/22 "Live at the VMAs"
Coming at you live from Radio City Music Hall babe! Me, Mike Patten, extreme bad ass and sassy pants extraordinaire. When I won the award for greatest artist of all time I decided to do something special-wehcial. I wrote and recorded an entire album during my acceptance speech. Babe, they said it could only be 20 seconds but I make my own rules because if I don't get my way I scream and yell and create a big scene until everyone does things my way. That's how a real man does it.

So I used a lot of vulgar pottymouth sassysass stuff during my speech singing. I even brought out a portable band after a while. Jim Martin was there of course (Big Jim for short.) and then some other people I don't remember, they were probably poopy. And then Carson Daly and Carmen Electra got upset and started trying to get me off the stage because it was too good. I understand that your brain might not be good enough to comprehend my music but don't ruin it for everyone else babe. They didn't win by the way. I played out my whole 74:59 babe.

Josh Groban says how can he be best artist ever if he's a one hit wonder? Well New Rules Josh Groban: You don't even know Mike Patten. What are you supposed to be anyway? A dog? Hater's gonna hate babe and I got the cock to take them all on. And I do. Just listen to this album.

Tracklist: 1. Introduction 2. A List of Accomplishments By Mike Patten 3. Bilingual Habitats (Secrets of the Doup) 4. A Few Things That Annoy Me to No End 5. You Look So Fine (Tonight) Don't Let Me Ruin That Dress (Duet With Barbara Streisand) 6. Bananas Bongos! (Medley) 7. A Dog Trick Act and the Jugglers (Performance) 8. My Personal Demons 9. How I Made it in the Industry and Succeeded Big Time 10. How Can I Get Any Better? (Duet With Ronnie Milsap) 11. Mike Patten's Personal Talents (Pt 1 - Drinking Water While Pinching Nose Pt 2 - Recites the Alphabet Pt 3 - Pats Head and Rubs Belly Pt 4 - Air Guitar to Welcome to the Jungle) 12. All the Other Stuff That Makes Me Great 13. Thank Yous (Spoiler: I Only Thank Myself) 14. The Final Song - Epic Sealed MIB A+ Mint 40 Minute Ultra Song



11/27/22 "Fourth Hour of a Five Hour Energy"
Come into the playhouse babe. Take a journey wourney to the land of excess. I binge so hard I make myself sweat a little. Marilyn Manson sung the song "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge" so I'm going to sing the album "Fourth Hour of a Five Hour Energy" just so I can prove I'm more badass and hardcore because I can do harder drugs and I can do them for five whole hours and mommymom said I could do it to stop me from having a temper tantrum in the middle of Wal Mart.

Five Hour is one hell of a drug babe. Don't even mess with it, you can't handle it. See how weird it made my face look? Why do drugs always do that to me? I met this gal that was turning tricks for Five Hour and I was like okay babe. I got u. I got the big bottles. Drink one of these and you'll be flying high. We had to park on the side of the freeway to zone out for about 12 hours. We both forgot about the child in the backseat. We don't even know who he is or where he came from. He said we picked him up from school. Anyway, when we woke up we were wiped out. And there was a big line of traffic behind us so I guess we were in the way. Sorry babybabes! I got the no cops cheat code activated babe so they don't do anything to me. New Rules.

This album encapsulates the feeling of the fourth hour after taking some Five Hour. The feeling of the last big hurrah before the awful come down. It's fast-paced slowcore mixed with some doorgaze. Try it now babe.

Tracklist: 1. Introducing the Fourth Hour of a Five Hour Energy 2. Pour Some Mayo On Me 3. One More Ounce 4. Just 5 Fixes 5. U Got That Five Hour? (Skit) 6. The Mouth Hole and the Damage Done 7. Mike's Addiction (Feat. Daveybabe (Dave Navarro)) 8. Five Hour is the Color of My Energy 9. Five Hours Alone 10. Five Seconds Pt. 2 11. Juggs of Dover 12. Stoughs 13. Introducing the Fourth Hour of a Five Hour Energy (Reprise)



11/26/22 "Leisure"
Still on the 'beach babe. Look out for sharky. Double dutch to joy. Welcome everybody to my leisure time. It's the time where everyone gets to watch me have fun. And I get to have fun because mommymom said so and you don't get to because you are going to be too busy sitting in your own filth.

New rules: Now everyone has to listen to me have fun too. Why I recorded "Leisure". This time I bust out some Hawaiian music and sing arias over the top. Then I motherfucking tell you about how much fun I am having and then I tell you to go poop down a pole. And then mommy comes and gives me cookies.

I'm the best at the 'ski babe. Better than all the greats: Shroeder, Fletcher, and Pops. I don't even have to try and it just goes where I want it to because I can do anything, I can fly, I can soar, I can climb a mountain, I am a motivated person.. motivated to relax. So check it out, I have Gabe Pearson on drums this time. He's a new employee. I told him, "Gabygabe, I need your sticks to relax. You start at minimum wage with no benefits, if you're good I will give you some more probably." And he was on board. So please pick up the phone and buy my r e l e a s e.

Tracklist: 1. Permanent Vacation 2 - Skis in Hanover 2. Dutch Lovin' 3. Under Where? 4. Useless Gonad 5. My Gay Day 6. Flabs of Walter 7. Colleisure (My Vision) 8. Ultimate Relaxer 9. Pappy Games 10. Luscious Ralph 11. Bust 12. Everything But the Babe 13. Gunther 14. Buoy Boy



11/23/22 "Butthoven's Revenge"
Let me get one thing straight. I ain't here to fuck around babybabe! Let's go! I'm taking you on a trip to a magical land. It's a place where we go after we die. Let me put my moist breath next to your ear hole so you can feel my humid air in your brain when I tell you that the place is called "Heaven". I'm the greatest rock star in the afterlife babe, better than Hendrix, Cobain, and Glitter coming at you, yours truly, vocal afficionado, Patten Von Butthoven.

Death is now something to look forward to because then you would be able to listen to my new album I've entitled "Butthoven's Revenge". But you can only motherfucking listen to it when you're in the afterlife. I've only released it in 'heaven babe because that's the only place it belongs. I'd like to see the Wu Tang Clan try something that great. They don't have the cock to die for their art.

My voice is so powerful, my voice is so strong, let me try to tempt you, with a song.

Butthoven's Revenge:
Tally-ho, tally-ho fetch a pail of water
Tally-ho, tally-ho fetch a bunch of grain
Tally-ho, tally-ho don't be such a baby, babe
Tally-ho, tally-ho pattycake and pain
Butthoven's revenge,
Sculpted like a god and rising like a bird
Butthoven's revenge,
He's milking satan and drinking all his milk
Butthoven's revenge,
Steal a car and drive into the river
Butthoven's revenge,
Don't let him die with that silly look in his eyes

And it just keeps going verse after verse babe.

Tracklist: 1.Butthoven's Revenge 2. Rock Charger 3. Stouffer's 4. Joist Palm 5. Jules Burn 6. Megasong 7. Pile Loader 8. Butter Lovers 9. This Beat Will Win Me a Tony 10. Hell's Junk



11/21/22 "Ladies Man"
Ladies man at your service babe. Guess what babybabe? I out babe all the babes to get the biggest babe of all babes, me. I know just what I want and I know just what I need to make it workywork babe. I was born 2 babe.

I made this album to give myself a big pat on the back so I played the ultimate pretend and pattycake-pinch. It was spectacular.

I figured out a way to position my hip bones just right and it makes my voice sound really great. When I do that I sing soaring, weightless, carefree, easy-pie, tony boy, dutch, so I charge up and gaugh. I do it a lot now, trust me. It really shows in this album and it makes it the soon to be quadouble platinum and infinity sold.

Don't believe me babe? Buy a few copies and give it a listen or two. You'll love the 40+ overlapping vocal tracks per song. Thats all it motherfucking is anyway babybabe. Nothing else. No employees. Just the boss.

Tracklist: 1.Dilly Dally 2. Endives Required for Davenport 3. Sigma Oaf 4. Praise Sink 5. Gasms 6. Do Rae Mi Fa So La Dee Da 7. Patten Entire 8. Milk Me 9. Underatted Overcooked 10. Alive Cross 11. More Grain 12. Jar of Flies EP 13. Kimichi Mink 14. Holy Motion 15. I Guess Tomorrow Really Never Does Know (Anything)



11/18/22 "Take a Seat"
The king of toilet-rock is back babe. I am toilet. I out-toilet all the greats. GG, Snyder, and Simmons.

Beaurops, Hooch, Chopper, and Tunk. Time to get the power chords warmed up because I am power and I will chord. I have serious punk bar rock coming at you and I created punk rock back in the 80's with my band Mr. Bungle. I will give you power. Live, breathe, 'take a seat'... Shh babe. It's a secret. Don't tell anyone

It's been a few albums since I used a band so I had to make some calls to find some employees to play on the album. One of my usual employees, Big Jim Martin, and I convinced him to play the fartmaphone. I have a guitar employee and he is named Big Trev Dunn. And then Big Trey Spruce plays an instrument that mutes the sound coming out of it. Of course I am the most important, the boss, the manager, the king, vocals babe. Look me up.

Find me in the men's room babe.

Tracklist: 1.Truth or Dare? (Sit on the Chair) 2. Bowel Bowl 3. Gross Sensations 4. Get That Rump On Th' Porcelain Baby 5. Babe 6. Smokey Buns 7. Reactions (In the Men's Room) 8. Dewey's Hill 9. That's Not a Bidet Babybabe 10. Chewy Rock Bone



11/17/22 "Zany Vocal Configurations"
Zwwwwap! Taang. Mooey, mooey, poposavich. Zwing! Beaux. Hey babe. Sorry. I was just practicing my crazy vocal configurations. Just in time for my new album "Zany Vocal Configurations". Did you know that the rusted chains of prison moons are shattered by the sun? That's why I decided to make this album. I just love making funny noises into the MIKErophone. (I made the decision to capitalize MIKE in Mikerophone so you wouldn't miss the funny word play that I did.)

So with this bad boy I decided to do my vocal configurations over prog rock. I'm just a sassysass like that. The songs are way too long, the guitars weigh me down, the purple piper plays his tunes, the choir softly sings, but I still have a soft spot for this album. NEW RULES: Mike Patten is a serious bad-ass!

"My Mouth"
By: Mike Patten
Babe, did you know that my mouth is incredible? I spent a very long time trying to stretch my mouth out so I can make the whackiest, wildest, zaniest voices imaginable. You can just call me the next Steviebabe (Steven Tyler) with my jockular lips and bellowing cavern. I can make u walk this way, talk this way, living on the edge, and love in the elevator. Not even Kiedis has the cock to do that.

Tracklist: 1. 21st Century Noises for The Blind and Elderly 2. Zorn and Patten's Moonchild Experiments Condensed 3. Epitaph Records Doesn't Juice Anymore 4. I Yell in The Hall 5. In The Court of The Babybabe



11/15/22 "Eat This Album" (Name Stylized as "Michael Patten")
Oh hello there! You caught me at a peculiar time. I was just eating my new album, "Eat This Album". It is a really good album that you listen to AND you eat. Babybabe, my shenanigans are on point. Nobody can out-shenanigan me because I'm the best.

Last October, I went down to a Hormel plant in Algona, Iowa. I did all sorts of sassy things there! I rubbed plant-based chili all over my chest, I did a honker with the forklift and spun around in circles, I blew party horns constantly at everybody, and I made a big boy mess with the sausages all over jubilee. Then I whispered to the manager.. "Hey baby, can you turn my new album into a food, I want it to taste just like me." He said yes.

Using science, we formulated a foodial album with every flavor I am. The bitter, sweet and sour notes are spot on with my actual flavor profile. What's that babe? You don't think the album tastes like me? Well you better come over and 'get a taste' of good ol Uncle Mike again to find out for sure. I'll be home for a couple hours.

I've eaten so many of these albums already. They're so good. I would just chew on my arm instead but it's just not the same. I need that crunch, I need that chew, I need the swallow, I need to be alive.

Also, make sure you bring this album to Thanksgiving dinner babe. I released it just in time. Your whole family can experience the joy that is Mike. Ready, set, lick.

So there you have it babe. You're going to want to buy a lot of copies of this one right away before trying it. Trust me. It's really good. The music on the album I didn't spend a lot of time on though. The edibility is the big selling point so I didn't have to worry about making a good album. It's just sounds of me eating a bunch of stuff with some singing over the top. That doesn't really even matter though babe. Listen once and chow down.

**Eating vinyl records may make you very sick. Please eat with caution**
**Mike Patten is not responsible for any ailments or troubles caused by eating his albums**

Tracklist: 1. Strawberry Surprise 2. Serious Yolk 3. Yolk Pt. 2 - The Swallow 4. Stroganoff on the Beach 5. Mikemallows 6. Heady Borscht 7. Chocolate, Water, Hand Soap 8. Savory Salami 9. Sauce 10. Bad Boy Burger



11/14/22 "Guitar lessons FOR BEGINNERS A QUICK AND EASY GUIDE TO LEARN AND PLAY GUITAR CHORDS"
Dear babe, I got a question for you. Do you think it's okay that I give guitar lessons and record them and turn them into an album without telling my pupils? I don't care I'm doing it anyway. No puss sucking babybabe is going to tell me otherwise.

New Rules: I know people say you are washed up when you start giving guitar lessons but not me because I'm turning it into art. I give the lessons with a 'gag in my mouth babe. If you can't understand me, you're fucked. I also give people microphones to use because microphones is the best instrument and I'm the best at microphones so I just have them strum the guitar and hit the guitar with microphones. Make that guitar sing babe. That's what I tell them because I am great.

I edited the guitar lessons by singing arias over them. I just need to have my beautiful voice singing on all of my albums so I decided to try this out. It turned out great. My voice drowns out all the terrible guitar playing and poopy noises. I truly am the best.
I only tell truths and nobody is a better guitar person than I am. I know, I usually specialize in the vocal arts but I'm the best at other things too. Mommymom said I'm the best and my mom is better than your mom and your dad too so go eat a butthole.

Tracklist: 1. Mary Learns the B Chord In Hell 2. Jokes On U (Truth Or Dare) 3. Mysterious Miloseviches 4. Ball Gag Blues 5. Monkeylover 6. Darryl's First Notes 7. Trying to Explain Time Signatures to a Leper 8. Hard Bargain 9. Bobbie Jo's Troubles in Trying to Learn Scales (Dumbass) 10. A Funny Note (F Flat) 11. Brownie Points 12. Is This What We Have Become? (Reprise) 13. Jim Martin's First Guitar


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