3/22/24 "Tongue"
Luscious. Every day before singing I say the word "Luscious" 200 times to warm up my tongue. Speaking of tongue. I made an album of sensual treats. Each song is a piece of chocolate from a box of chocolates that is heart shape that you eat with your tongue. Then you go and listen to this moist recording I made using only noises from my tongue babe. It's called "Tongue".
It's full of tongue, (of course) salival chops, and condensation. I just rub my tongue all over the mic and then my band FM Moore plays rocking rock jams behind it with sweet guitar solos and elephant noises. It's freaking chaos.
But then it gets slow and it's just the tongue for the last 7 tracks. I couldn't afford to play with my band any more because I accidentally pressed an extra 250 million copies of "Physical Copy". I'm so wild!
My tongue got so raw and sore and it feels terrible. The absolute last track is the secret song and it's my screaming at top lung about how much my tongue hurts and how much I want a popsicle and a kiss on the forehead.
Tracklist: 1. My Tongue 2. Liquid Friction 3. Buds of Glory 4. Serious Dope 5. Mouth to Mic 6. Condensation 7. Powder Puff 8. Don't Tell Jim See less



3/19/24 "Physical Copy"
Do you know why I am awesome? Well I will tell you one of the reasons. One of the reasons is because I can multitask like a raging bull. Babe, there just ain't enough motherfucking time in the day to take on an exercise routine and get everything else done!! I decided to take my exercise routine on tour babe. So now I just do it while I'm on stage singing and performing my music. Most of the time I'm just gasping for air and only singing out a few words here and there while I try to catch my breath. It doesn't matter though because my health is what's important the most.

Hold on babe, I got a bulging disc. It's a bulging compact disc babe and I got it chock full of exercise post rock. That's a "Physical Copy" babe. I put weights on my ankles and do lunges while I sing "Around the World" at the top of my lungs. I do squats for "Squeeze Me (Macaroni)" I found this group of misfits and they did this long, drawn out, music but they were missing the most important part: The singer.

They told me they were an instrumental band but then I slapped them and told them that those don't exist and I forced myself into their band as the beautiful singer. We do all the greats and then this new album of smashes. It's totally tubular. I made the whole band better by making them play faster and simpler. It's better for the workout babe. You can't exercise to that depressing ambient stuff babe! Pump it up! I gotta do my glutes. Gimme some "Midlife".

Tracklist: 1. Deltoid Dance 2. Don't Hate Me Cus My Deltoids 3. Crunches to Crunches 4. Blatant Guns 5. 45 BPM (Resting Heart-Rate) 6. I'm so Suave (Epic Beat Work Out) 7. New Caledonia



3/10/24 "The Unauthorized Biography of Mike Patten"
What my name is who my name is what my name is tiki tiki Mike Patten. Hi kids, do you like to listen to CDs where people just read things and there is really no music? I thought so, I like it too sometimes depending on what the topic of discussion is. I really like this one because it's all about me.

Babe, Rhafi Geopardi, a man living in southeast Asia wrote and recorded this biography about me and it's so WiLd! He talks about all this stuff that I don't even remember doing and I don't remember it even happening! It must be true though because it is in this audio book. So I thought "Wow, this must be a really really good audio book if it has things I don't even know about happening to me. I should probably make the decision to release my unauthorized biography personally so I can make money off of it."

And that's what I did babe. I just dug up a few old pictures of me and slapped them on the cover and voila! All u need to know about me, Mike Patten, babe. Some of the things I do are so zany and it's all told in this bookdisc.

Jim Martin called me up and said "Hey! I wanna play on your new unauthorized biography album!" He's so dumb and he doesn't even know that there isn't any music on it. Babe how can u play music when there isn't any music? Duh!

Tracklist: 1. The Unauthorized Biography of Mike Patten



3/01/2024 "Now I Can Play the Guitar and I Don't Need You Anymore Big Jim"
Mike Patten here guys and I'm as unhinged as ever! I'm going on a vacation today so I had to make a quick album to hold everybody over. The albums I spend less time on are better anyway because I just know what to do the best naturally. If I spend more time on it I might have influences from outside sources and they are dumb. This time I decided to teach myself the guitar babe. I learned how to all by myself. I watched a couple youtube videos on how to play made by John Petrucci and now I'm just as good as him if not better. Copying him made me find my true style. I can shit out liquid tension shit like it's candy now.

Sorry Big Jim Martin. Like the title says. I don't need you anymore. I can play the guitar machine just as good as you can now and guess what? Surprise! You're dumb because I can actually play even better than you. I can play "Pull Me Under" in 30 seconds while doing the splits and shitting out my lukewarm pilaf salad.

This time around I decided to call up Big Jim Martin to help me with a few tracks on this album. I usually don't like to call him up to help but I know I will never hear the end of it if I don't. Big Jim babe, shhhhh I don't need to hear you. I just want you to watch me as I play these sweet guitar parts for my new album.

Aren't you curious to check out and see how good I am at the guitar? I bet you are and so I think you should grab a copy and put it in your CD player. You wont regret it and you will probably feel good.

Tracklist: 1. No Ladies, I Only Have Two Hands 2. Total Jam 3. Rad Solos 4. Rock N Roll 5. Shitting Daisies 6. Motormouth 7. Jack Shitler 8. Wear Opinion on You 9. "Epic" but With Sweeter Guitars 10. Lost in the City



2/22/2024 "I Don't Think, I Just Feel""
Uhhhhhhhh... Shhhh babe. Just be. Uhhhhh. Isn't this soo good? Uhhhh.. Yeah.................

(I walk away while Mike Patten stands on stage with microphone in hand, mouth gaping wide, and drool dripping from his chops. His band plays frantically behind him as he just stands there and exists. He is neither living in the moment or outside of it. He does this for two hours and makes an album out of it. When the music ends, he walks off stage and I go to give him my interview.)

Hey babybabe, you see that? Art. I smash out triple platinum-like albums all the time and nobody else touches it. (It turns out that even when Mike Patten does absolutely nothing it still is the best. I asked him what his inspiration was for the album.) My inspiration is my picture of me without a shirt on in Bali. And then I just fucking stare into space. (I then asked him about Jim Martin and he says) Hey babe, sit down and have some motherfucking beans babe. (He sat me down and he threw one of his after show bean parties.)

Tracklist: 1. Untitled 2. No Name 3. Title N/A 4. Blank 5. This Isn't a Song 6. Nothing 7. Not A Thing 8. Not Anything 9. No Thing 10. Oh The Band Started Playing 11. Oh They Are Playing for Another Hour and a Half



2/20/24 "Adult Themes for Flatulence Volume 2"
Dear babybabes. On June 4th, 2014 I released my Adult Themes for Flatulation album and every since everybody just wonders all day long about when I'm going to do another adult themes for flatulation tour because the first one was good. So I went on another mega flatulent tour of greatness. Shh babe, I tweaked the name a little bit because of complaints.

For those of you who don't know, this is a tour where I hang up the ol' voice box and only use the butt box babe. Big Jim Martin, Trevor Dunn, And Treybybabe all play along while I eat bountiful amounts of beans and blow up the sub woofers with my hearty bowels. Every show is a little different but I try to make it exactly the same every night. My body is a cage that only lets me fart when it's good and ready to.

Hey babe, if you want to play this album at your wedding it's okay. You don't need special permission. I give you a permission slip babe. And also, people say I looked just as glamorous as Taylor Swift on this tour because I stole her clothes. It was when she was at my house watching me play Madden. She loves football so much. Jokes on u babe. You shouldn't have driven over in your tour bus. Now all your stuff is mine.

Well here it is, if you missed the tour here it is on a recording.

Tracklist: 1. 2 Farts, A Bean, and A Babybabe 2. Fart it Off 3. Adult Themes 2 4. Flat away the Back Pain 5. Mouth 2 Butt 6. Beansbury Dough Boy 7. Somebody's Ankles 8. Jim Martin Solo 2 Flat 9. The Show Must Go On 10. Bean Suite Pts. 1 - 20



8/15/23 "A Present for My Dog"
YOU ARE THE AIR THAT I BREATHE ALL THAT I NEED. Oh sorry babe. I was writing a new song called Five Seconds but I think I already wrote it so I'm not going to keep at it for too long. But hey! Seeing that I'm here I might as well tell you about my new album "A Present for My Dog" because I don't have anything else to do. Babe. I took so much time getting things for my son that my dog got jealous and I think it's funny but I had to give it cigarettes to make everything smooth again.

I wrote songs for them and they are about all the fun things in life that are bad but okay. I told my slave Big Jim Martin to go to the store and buy cigarettes, guns, drugs, and booze. All the big ones. And then poofy-woofy powa flowa there they are and they are gone and they were wrong but they are good just like they should and they gotta go because consumption woes. I GOT WHAT U NEED N I AM MIKE PATTEN.

These heartfelt renditions are top of the pops and I mop the floor with all these posers trying to rap rock NU metal like Mike Patten. My soulful voice goes great with hard rock and experimental noises. I bet I'm the best singer in the world oh wait I am SUCKER. Keep it in your pants because you gonna get an STD with how awesome this album is.

The greatest thing about me is how great I am. I got the gift of gab, the slab of song, and the muscle to write music like Rollins. Please don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Tracklist: 1. MDMA Donation 2. Donut Block 3. Camel Sniffer 4. Bolt Belly 5. Nicotina (Finished Verison) 6. Bowel of Cigarettes 7. Cancer is Sexy 8. Blame it on Jim



8/8/2023 "A Present for My Son"
Doopy-poopy babe. The next day has arrived and I'm on a mission for my childboy. I need to find him a treat for his toeteenth birthday and now I'm going to the store and now I can't find him anything good and now I'm yelling and screaming and breaking things at target and I love you let's go.

I decided instead I'm going to make him an album-walbum and write red songs for him. I have good songs and they're a little Bonky but they are weiss and stolton and quercus palustris. My songs are living creatures so they act a certain way. My childboy will like it. He will roll over, play dead, and teach me a lesson. Thanks son.

Big Jim Martin just plays the fucking clown on this album.

I hired a tongue to help with background vocals and that tongue belongs to the one and it was the worst place I could've possibly done it. I think I need to go straight, but I need to go left instead. I miss it like 80 percent of the time, probably. I'm pretty sure I know what my boy likes so I made songs about that stuff. It's pretty good.

Dig for coco

Tracklist: 1. Tamagotchi Bungalow 2. Tungsten Hole 3. Dreamcast Has the Best Graphics 4. Domino Rally 5. NGA - No Girls Allowed 6. Dog Treat 7. Bun Breaker 8. Fast Toby 9. Panacea 10. Mike's Groove (Radio Number One) 11. Bulldozer Sauce



7/26/23 "Always the Bridesmaid... ...Never the Groom"
I just can't figure it out. It seems like I meet a special someone and it's great but we never ever end up getting married! Is there something wrong with me? Okay, fine, I might destroy the wedding cake every time and leave before the ceremony but that's no reason not to tie the knot!!!! Don't you know me by now babe? I require you to come find me and when that happens then you gotta beg me to come back. It's just how I work on a daily basis. Once you become numb to the mental turmoil it's not so bad. Definitely no reason to cancel the wedding, but a very good reason to feel sorry for me!

Really, I'm a great guy, but when the bride leaves me, I become a complete mess and start wearing women's wedding attire. Shhh babe, that's why I'm always the bridesmaid and never the groom. And that's why I make this album because I need to release all of my pain.

I was being a bountiful bridesmaid at Big Jim Martin's wedding and he took off his tie in the middle of the ceremony and threw it on the ground and he said I was so beautiful that he was going to not marry his wife but marry me instead. Well jokes on you big Jim. When we got back to the hotel room I took off my bridesmaid dress and revealed my true identity. Big Jim was so pissed when he realized it was just me the whole time! Haha Big Jim, you fucksucker. That's what u get when u want what u can't have. This album is death metal.

Tracklist: 1. Fat Nickel Wedding 2. Shush Secret 3. Tansy Dress 4. Flimsy 5. Put a Doyle on It 6. She Only Want Me For My Laffy Taffy 7. Hanky Panky Handjob 8. Hard Luck Woman 9. I Feel Like Poopy Surprise 10. Poopy Patea



7/18/23 "Cake No More"
Dear babybabes, remoulade, Chauncy, and Delvis: The ultimate summertime jerk is back and I blasted into your screen device to tell you that I'm back. Listen close babe, c'mere. Shhh. U think u can tie the mighty "P" ("P" stands for Patten and that is Mike Patten's last name so therefore he was referring to himself when he said "P" it's just easier for everyone when he does that) down with your curves and designer hair? Babe. I don't get tied down for nobody but myself. Don't u know I found my soulmate and it's me and that's good.

I love flipping over tables that have cakes on it. That's what I do best. I'm the ultimate brute. The holistic heartbreaker. The big bombino. U can't take my name babe it is mine and I won't sully it up with some wrenchless prude. I just had to make a super aggressive album about how I won't accept anyone who makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Big Jim Martin? Sure let's add him to the mix. He wanted to get married too but he's too much of a tansy childboy to put on the makeup and dance for papa Patten. Babe, the best of everything is good enough for me and you're not good enough for that, you're dumb. Everyone wants a piece of my cake so shut up and play your guitar.

I know, I'm brutal but i'm the summertime jerk and then I go and get married to Donna. I approve of flipping off the world and going bananas and here is my songs.

Tracklist: 1. Where Da Boyz At!? 2. Pure Moods 3. Do You Take Patten as Your Awfully Wedded Wife? (Sir Yes Sir) 4. Wonky Tonky 5. Babbling Brooks and Bouillabaisse Babybabe 6. Magnify This 7. I November Rained that Shit 8. Perfect for Consumption



7/8/23 "Lumbar Support"
Sorry all you babybabes out there. I was too busy helping out a stranger to make an album the last couple of weeks. I'm amazing so I do shit like that. Let's get one puss-sucking motherfucking thing straight. I got u. I have your back when it's in a pinch. Or when your lumbar is out of whack. I'm here for support because I'm your main man, your MVP, your G.O.A.T., and your bountiful bollicious bouillabaisse baby man.

Strap on the dongle and press play. This Mike Patten album is full of songs of support and coddling. Babe, let me soothe you with supreme coddling through my deep breathing, soft moans, and low mellow talking. And then a rendition of Collision comes on and everyone goes nuts! I love it when shit hits the fan because I'm a little donkey. Don't u kno MP will D-stroy ur ears with his surprise outbursts?!

I even gave Big Jim Martin some support while he was doing the guitar tracks (yeah, I know, I hired him on again.) I made sure his glutes (that means his privates) were good and lifted during all the solos and I helped strengthen his deltoids while he slobbered out his juicy-wet guitar licks. I'm sure I made him sound better and then Trevor Done came around and tickled him with a feather and messed everything up what a clown!

Babe, I know u will love my support just like u love the support you give to me. LeVar (pictured) loves my support and he is a genius in a bottle. He no longer needs to get his back done and he now smiles with the sun like a beautiful horse chewing cud in the meadow. I love you LeVar.

Tracklist: 1. Insulin Shock 2. Barbiturate Butter Bath 3. Collision 2 4. Help (Minus the Less) 5. Another Rendition of Collision 6. Velvet Velveeta 7. Deftones Sang With Me on This Song 8. A Final Rendition of Collision 9. I Got U Babe (Baby) 10. No Scrubs (Neckbeard Nest Remix) 11. A Surprise Rendition of Collision 12. I Don't Take Things Seriously That's Why I Have an Axe Sticking Out of My Leg 13. Still Kickin' Axe 2023